A letter to LIFE… and good riddance to Year 2010

Listen here, LIFE.

I’m not sure where we got off on the wrong foot this year, but enough is enough already. I’ll admit you’ve put up a good fight. You’ve dealt some pretty impressive blows over that last twelve months. But today was the last straw. With two short days left in the year, could you just take it easy please? Just simmer down alright?

That blizzard you pulled out today was pretty crazy to say the least. I commend you for your efforts. You didn’t waste any time showing me you meant business. At the not so bright, but very early hour of 6:30am that Semi truck stunt took me by surprise. I was particularly impressed when the massive truck practically ran me off the freeway with the tidal wave of slush and ice, while simultaneously hydroplaning my tires toward the cement barrier. It made for an exciting morning. But I made it past that hurdle and forged on. Thinking you had done your worst for the day, you surprised me yet again on my way home from work by turning the road into a swirling river of snow and my usual 10 minute commute into an hour. Despite my careful and snail paced driving, you still managed a fender bender within a half mile from home and safety. And after all that, to add insult to injury, you just had to throw in that last insurmountable snow bank.

You really pulled out some big guns today. And you may have squeezed out a few more tears, but what’s a few drops to the ocean you’ve extracted before?

With all you’ve dragged me through this year, haven’t you learned that you can’t keep me down? It’s gonna take more than a measly blizzard to push me over the edge. Sure, you’ve knocked me down HARD several times, but I always get up. Even through all those months of indescribable pain and darkness, I pulled through.

You’ve put me through a LOT, but I get the point, alright? You’re tough. You’re demanding. You are completely unbearable at times. You are extremely painful. Yea, I got all that. But I also know you are beautiful, even more than I can comprehend. How about we see a bit more of that side, huh?

You’ve been an incredible teacher this year. I’ve learned more than I ever wanted to about heartbreak, darkness and depression, abandonment, selfishness, jealously, disappointment, and PAIN. Most of all I understand pain. BUT… it is this same pain that has opened up a place inside me to receive more love, beauty, loyalty and true friendship, and more PEACE than I ever thought possible. It has definitely been a year of extremes.

Good riddance 2010. And LIFE, you better have some ridiculously awesome junk around the corner for me in 2011. You must admit it’s time. However, if you choose to deal out some more of those “lessons” you seem to be so fond of… I am absolutely ready. And I have you to thank for that. In other words… BRING IT.

Yours truly.

-C

Blogging Singledom Dilemma

When I first created my blog years ago, I, as many people do, struggled with wondering what I would write about as a single person. To me, blogs seemed like a married person thing. Blog about your cute husband. Blog about your adorable children. Blog about your new house. Blah blah blog blog blog. What was I to blog about? "Today I went to school." "Today I went to the gym..." "I ate another bowl of cereal."
Zzzzzzzzzzzz
Obviously I got over that, because I am blogging. Can't say it's much more interesting than the above examples... but hey, that's all I got and I'm not ashamed.

However, I have run into another blogging dilemma. This is it...
As a single person who dates, I find myself being less single at times if you know what I mean. And so... how do I introduce you readers to this new significant part of my life? This is my dilemma. Dating is so fickle. One day you're dating someone. Next day maybe you're not. And what do I tell you.... "Hey world, I have a boyfriend!" "Oh... ok. Just kidding. Not anymore." No. I don't like that. So, do I just start slowing phasing him into my blogging world? Referring to him as if you already know him? Just start posting pics so then you think, "hmm... who is that stranger with Colette?" "Are they dating? Is that her cousin?" And then when/if it ends what do I tell you? Do I just stop referring to him? Stop posting pics? Delete any posts I mentioned him in? Oh dear oh dear...
Do you see my predicament here? Obviously I have thought WAY too much about this. Apparently, my solution to this problem has been to just NOT blog for months on end... and then to write an ambiguous blog post about how I didn't know how to write about this.

And so dear void, this is my way of telling you, ah... yeah. Ooh... why is this so hard for me? (Maybe it has to do with the fact that I HATE the word 'boyfriend.' It makes me feel like I'm 12 years old) Ok, here goes... Maybe if I whisper it'll be easier. I'm dating someone! Aah. There, it's done. Happy now? All you curious people.
I figured after 4 months of this nonsense it was time. Not that I'm forecasting anything about the future of my relationship status by posting this, either way, because I am NOT, so don't even try to read into it. STOP it. Right now... I know you're doing it.
Wow, I'm a spaz. But I'm making progress. Maybe in another 4 months I'll tell you his name.

Sometimes I am not so brave...

My all time favorite novel is The Alchemist by Paul Coelho. This short fable is full of beauty and wisdom. Most of my favorite quotes come from here. Whenever I am feeling a little unsure of what's going on in life, I look back to my list of quotes from this book. Here is one of my favorite excerpts.
Santiago, the young hero of the story is talking one night with the Alchemist, and tells of how his heart is afraid that it will have to suffer. The Alchemist's response is absolutely beautiful:

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.

Just cleanin' teeth and stuff

I figure it's time for a post about why I went to Honduras in the first place. To clean teeth! And did I ever. This post may be more interesting to my hygiene ladies. As I tend to get passionate about hygiene, this may be a long one, and I may lose some of you non-hygienist types. It's ok.
The organization I served with, Shoulder to Shoulder, has a brand new medical and dental clinic and they have done a NICE job. I brought my own instruments, not expecting much of the donated clinic instruments, but boy, was I pleasantly surprised. They were fully equipped with plenty of sharp hygiene instruments and ultrasonic tips. They even had Nevi scalers! My favorite. Many of the instruments were better than some I've used in the states. (This says a LOT about Shoulder to Shoulder, but not so much for some Utah dentists...Sorry doctors, just being honest)
I was so spoiled while working there. I learned I was the first hygienist to ever serve with this organization, which also means I was probably the first hygienist ever in that part of the country. Dr. Idalia was so kind and she made it very clear she was grateful I was there. They treated me so well. Anytime I needed my water filled, my assistant would run and do it before I could even stand up. And did you catch that? MY assistant. I had an assistant in addition to an interpreter. I had my own little team. It was SO nice.
Although I had plenty of help and was treated like a hygiene queen, believe me I worked SO HARD. I had between 6 and 9 patients a day, half of which had NEVER had a cleaning before. It was like taking board exams 4 times every day, but even more intense as I was cleaning the whole mouth and not just one quad. And even those who had "regular cleanings," had tons of subgingival calculus.
It was very challenging, but such good experience. I was surprised by what I could do and how quickly I finished difficult patients. And hygiene ladies... you know that amazingly satisfying feeling when you get a huge piece of black calculus.... Oooh, I was feeling that ALL day!

By the end of each day, I was completely beat. I've never better understood the feeling of pure exhaustion. Looking back I really don't know how I finished everybody. Even with a fan and A/C, it was very hot and humid and I was drenched in sweat the entire day. I'm not complaining though. Just amazed I held out that long.

There was one day in particular that I started to feel a bit discouraged. I wondered if all my hard work was even making a difference. Hygiene care is effective if consistent. Will one good cleaning in someone's lifetime really make a difference?
One of my most difficult patients helped to change my perspective. She was an older woman whom I gave a VERY deep cleaning... without anesthetic. She should have hated me. As I was finishing up, I started to apologize that her gums would be so sore before healing up. However, she just got the biggest smile on her face and told me, "Oh, it doesn't matter!! Thank you SO much for what you have done for me. God bless you. Thank you, thank you."
I realized then that it was all worth it. I made a difference to this woman.

Ok this last pic is for my hygiene girls. Would you take a look at this fine pinky/chin fulcrum?? Mrs Veit would be proud. :)

This little Gringa went to Market

One of my favorite things to do in Honduras was to go to Market. Once a week, everyone comes to the center of town and sets up shop. There is tons of fresh produce, and a little bit of everything else. Anything from rap CD's, hammocks, horseshoes, cigars, and clothing, you name it, it was probably there. I even bought me a good pair of jeans for 200 lempiras (roughly 10 US dollars).
I learned as a gringo, they charge you significantly more than they would charge a Honduran. (Not a big surprise.) However, I also learned you will either pay the "gringo price" or "the stupid gringo price." And I feel I did pretty well. I always tried to ask the price in Spanish so I sounded like I sort of knew what was going on. And even if I got ripped off, no biggie. Just helping the economy, right? Besides, I got a way better deal than I'd ever get here.
What I loved most about market was the busyness. There is just so much life there. So much going on, lots of bright colors, fun music playing, chickens running around, or sometimes a horse, or a cow, or maybe even a pig just wandering right on through.
My favorite purchase by far was my mango. When I first saw them, joy filled my soul. The biggest, most beautiful mangos I have ever seen. Almost as big as my head, the perfect coloring and firmness. I wanted to buy them all, but then remembered I'd have to trek them back a long walk home.

Here my friend, Juan Carlos, is teaching me how to pick a good one. Not sure why I look so confused though. Maybe this was my mad face when I realized I wouldn't be able to take them all with me. :)






And here we have the winner and a very happy Colette.

The wheels on the bus

I've spent most of today on my computer trying to figure out how to use iMovie to make a video of my Honduras pics. I sort of want to shoot myself in the head. Oh, it's user friendly enough... but I'm not computer-friendly. At all.
I've given up. I could never have a computer job. Even if I'm doing something productive on a computer, after several hours of starring at a screen I feel I've lost a significant amount of brain cells.

Anyhow... moral of the story. You will NOT be seeing a video of my Honduras pictures. Well, not anytime soon at least.

Instead, to share my Honduran experience, I'll just be posting each day whatever suits my fancy. Today it's transportation.

Most of my time was spent in a very rural area in the region of Intibuca, in a town called Conception. To get to Conception, we took a 7 hour bus ride on roads that looked like this:


As long and as bumpy as it was, I actually loved the drive. It was some of the most beautiful countryside I have ever seen.


Once we were in Conception, we used trucks to get everywhere else. Standard was about 11-13 people per truck. The back was pretty fun for the first 10 mins of every drive. Then after 45mins of ducking branches and blistered palms, you got a little tired.


I tell you what, Hondurans know how to pack 'em in.



And if there's one thing I learned down there, it's that
There's always room for 1 more.

Or in this case, 1 more and her 3mo old baby. Sure, hop on in!
(Oh, and this lady had already WALKED two hours when we picked her up. And she had three more hours to go when we dropped her off. She's visiting her parents for the weekend. I will never again complain about driving 1 1/2 to get to my parents house)

Mucho Gusto Colette

Hola Amigos! I have safely arrived home from my travels afar. I have so many stories and pics to share in many blogs to come. However, I first want to share with you the most meaningful part of my journey.

Whether you recognize it or not, something about traveling seems to change your perspective on life. Sometimes it even makes you reevaluate where you are going and who you think you are. Perhaps it's the unfamiliarity of new people and places that gives you a chance to start fresh, or the fact that all your weaknesses and insecurities seem to slap you in the face. Whatever it is, I am addicted to it.

I'm can't say there was one miraculous moment when everything became clear, but rather it was little things here and there that pointed me in the right direction. You see... at some point while I was away, I finally made friends with this amazing girl. I've always known her, but never really liked her. Her name is Colette. You see, friends, for the first time in my life, I can say that I really like being me. And that's a pretty great feeling.

I have never allowed myself to be happy just the way I am. I have always desperately wanted to, believe me I have, but a part of me just wouldn't allow it. I would always tell myself, "If you were just like this, or you weren't so much like that, then you could be happy. But you're not, so you just can't be, and maybe you never will."
I have always tried to be so hard to be "perfect." But 'perfect' by who's standards? Everyone's. Trouble is, everyone's idea of perfect is different. I have lived my life making decisions so carefully based on, "If I say this, or do that, someone might not like it... or someone might thing it's dumb." "If I wear this, someone might think it's ugly." "I better not do that because someone might not like it, or think it's annoying, blah, blah, blah."

But ya know what? That someone can go to hell.
There I said it. Ha! Haha ha!

I feel so refreshingly free! And... happy?
Yeah, I'm happy. :)

I'm going to stop holding myself back. I'm going to stop saying, "I'd like to do this, but I'm not that type of person." or "I don't think I could pull that off."
Don't get me wrong, I understand realistic expectations, but by golly, there are enough voices in this world telling me I am nothing. It's time I started rooting for my own team.

Like I said before, nothing drastic happened while I was in Honduras to produce this change. I know this is something I have been working towards for quite sometime. I think it just gave me the opportunity to finally make a breakthrough.
I am finally allowing myself to find joy in the journey.


And so,

Mucho gusto, Colette
It's a pleasure to meet you.

You've been hiding for far too long.