Allow me to be quite personal in this post. I have been thinking a lot, and I just need to sort through my thoughts. If you have any thoughts or advice I would love to hear from you.
Earlier this week, I had one of my hardest days at school. It had nothing to do with what we were doing, but more with what I was feeling. In class we were talking about preparing for our National Board Exams. At first I think I started to feel nervous about how I could ever be ready for such a daunting exam. I had this overwhelming feeling of discouragement and doubt. After class I went to my car and just cried.
I kept asking myself, "what is wrong with me?" and "why am I so worried about a silly test?"
I realized then I wasn't really worried about dental hygiene or exams, or school at all. I was just so disappointed in myself. Mostly in my lack of confidence and feelings of inadequacy.
Later that day I had more time to think about what was going on with me. It was hard to think clearly, as I had stressed myself out so much my head was pounding. I think this day is something that had been coming for a while, I just didn't want to deal with it. These are thoughts I have had for years, but I somehow convinced myself I had conquered these issues, when I now realize I have just been suppressing them.
I have come to realize I don't know myself at all. I feel I have been living the way I think others want to me to live for my whole life. I am ashamed that I don't have many strong opinions of my own. I have watched people I admire my whole life, wishing and trying to be more like them, and then falling ever so short. I don't know what my strengths are. I know all too well my weaknesses. I feel selfish.
I want to live purposefully.
I want to have meaning in my life.
I want to live for the happiness of others and not just myself.
I want to know who I am, and what I believe in.
I feel weak. I want to be strong.
I want to value myself.
I want to believe in myself
I want to be able to look at others and admire their strengths without feeling inadequate myself.
I have no idea how to do this. I have been struggling with this my entire life. I feel I do everything I am "supposed" to do. Some days it helps, others days I feel more frustrated. Several of you have encouraged me to blog more. The truth is, the reason my blog is so empty is because I am afraid of myself. I am afraid to say, 'this is me,' 'this is what is important to me.'
But I am tired of being afraid. And so, as one effort in finding myself, I will be using this blog as a means to my self discovery.
If you care enough to be reading this, you are probably someone I love and admire more than you will ever know. I thank you for being a part of my life and allowing me to learn from you.
6 comments:
I LOVE YOU CO CO! Believe me when I say that you have always been one of the greatest examples to me of selfless service. You are ALWAYS thinking of others and how to make them happy. I can see that in the end that makes you happy. That is who I see when I see you. That is just one of MANY things that I have learned from you. Thank you. Love you...miss you! Call me whenever you need to chat it up!
Colette!!!! I want you to know that you really truly are one of my favorite people in the world. I know you don't always think you are, but you are one of the nicest people I have ever met. You are someone that people can count on. You care so much about others and are so willing to drop whatever you are doing to make someone else's day a little bit better. You are always willing to listen to others and are so excepting of everyone.
I think I have felt some of what you've been feeling lately too. I think when we are surrounded by such great people its hard to see where we fit in. But I hope you remember that you are amazing and beautiful. These are just a fraction of the things I love about you.
Please call me anytime 24/7.
I love you!
Colette! i love you! Just wanted you to know. I miss you but we need to catch up soon.
Colette, I think you are so wonderful!
Colette, I truly believe you're not alone in your struggles. It just feels that way! Not feeling like a "whole" person sounds like the sign of someone who knows themselves well enough to know they still need to grow. Hopefully you are like that for life!
And when you're feeling good, it's easy to think you're cured of feelings of inadequacy. Then you get a little tired, a little stressed, etc and it all bubbles back to the surface. It's like that "two steps forward, one step back" philosophy. As long as you are moving in the right direction most of the time, you'll get where you want to end up eventually.
Letty, you really are phenomenal. Also, why in the world do you need strong opinions?! You are gentle and kind and flexible! That beats the crud out of opinionated and set in your ways! Give yourself credit for being just who you are.
I love you more than you know. I mean that. You are one of my best friends and most admired examples.
Colette, you truly are amazing.
Thank you for writing this--it was needed today.
It reminded how we tend to pick ourselves apart all too easily. Too often we think other people have it together and compare ourselves, only to find later that they might be struggling with those same feelings of inadequacy.
You know my number...
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